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Mini Rant - Driving

Posted By: Stick
Date: Friday, 3 August 2007, at 1:09 p.m.

People can't drive, it's not a new concept to anyone living in the US. Just like everyone thinks they're the strongest player in any given backgammon chouette everyong thinks they're a good driver. Let me recount my driving experience from yesterday alone, I'll try to stick to the highlights.

The first, best, and longest highlight. I'm driving on a major highway which means I'm doing roughly 10 miles per hour over the speed limit as I always do. I love my cruise control and have found that nobody cares enough to pull me over doing that much over the speed limit. I pay more attention than your average bear when I'm speeding (looking for cops) because I also hate wearing a seatbelt but that's for another post.

This particular drive I look up and I see up on the left in the median a cop sitting there, as they often are. Cruise control gets turned off, car slows down, I slap on my seatbelt, I'm good to go. Well, jackass behind me doesn't see the cop and gets on my ass within' seconds. As he's catching up & passing me he gets pissed I slowed down and rips out to the left to go around me. When he does so I motion with my hand out the window pointing up to where the cop is. I'm riding with radio up + hand out of window anyway because that's how I roll (that's how you'd roll too if your AC was busted and it's 90+ degrees out)

After signaling to retard #1 there's a cop up there and him not noticing now that he's ever so rapidly gaining on the car in the fast lane [because they too have seen the cop] he takes my "hey, fucksuck, there's a cop up there and that's why I slowed down" point out the window as some rude gesture I'm guessing. He has a passenger and he takes the time to lean over the passenger and flip me off. As impressed as I am at this moment I'm more interested in if he's going to ride up the ass of the car in front of him or finally hit the brakes. He was basically drafting the other car in the fast lane before he realized there was a cop there but still not going fast enough to be pulled over, passed the cop, cop didn't budge.

About 15 seconds later he pulls in front of me still in the center lane, sticks his hand out the window, gives me the "ok" sign with his hand and then the apologetic "wave" finally realizing I wasn't being a schmuck. I guess that's more than I could have asked for, I gave him the wave back because I still had a 40 minutes trip and I had to spread my road rage out for the other drivers to come.

So after "HEY FUCK YOU BUDDY" to "WHOOPS I'M A DIPSHIT" we continue to a normal road where the speed limit is 55. There isn't a cloud in the sky, perfect weather, hardly any traffic on this road and I get behind someone who apparently has a moped engine installed in their car instead of a regular car engine. I notice how rapidly I'm approaching this car and I'm not going all that fast ... I slow it down, get behind them and realize they're humming along at 40 miles per hour. There's nobody in front of them, nobody coming the other way, so I can pass them easily but I sure want to know if they're maybe sending a text message on their cell phone and have temporarily decreased in speed or if it's someone that really does 40 in a 55. I hang back for about 30 seconds, long enough in my mind to think it's a done deal, decide to pass them and make sure a corpse isn't driving the vehicle.

Any guesses? As most of you may have thought it's old people. A scary thought ... I know ... I will give old people some leeway about driving at night, not actually speeding, being more cautious but this is ludicrous. If you're going 40 in a 55 on a perfect day with no traffic you probably should have your license suspended. A separate topic would be my insistence on after having reached a certain age you must retake your driver's test every X years. I have a long laundry list of things that if I ever do I've told my cousin (hi Chuck) she's to immediately act appropriately such as:

  • If I'm ever driving as mentioned above my license is to be confiscated and not permitted to drive
  • If I ever start losing my hair I'm either to get some sort of implants (idk how this works, I doubt I'll have to worry about it but) or shave my head. That combover or letting there be a glaring bald spot on the top of your head is not a good look and I won't have it
  • If I'm too old to be certain places she has promised to tell me to take my happy ass home. What I'm talking about is being the 'old guy' at a party and not knowing it or being the guy everyone thinks is a perve watching the high school girl's tennis matches, etc... I'm eternally 19-23 at heart and I can still pass for just over the drinking limit so that helps, and we all know I can be as big of a jackass as any 21 yo but I don't ever want to be 'that guy'. There are many more on my list but again, perhaps a separate post...

This post is long enough, maybe I'll come back to share some more prime time driving experiences from yesterday but for now I should probably post the OLM.

Stick

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